Maya, you are my first and only child. I don’t know what I am doing. I am a trapeze artist operating at an unknown height, and I am pretty sure there is no net.
I fantasized about having you in my life. I spent the past five years meticulously planning your arrival and consulting with many doctors on how I can raise a happy, successful child. My dream came true on 25th October 2020 — you arrived like a storm. A beautiful storm that shook me to the core. From the instant of your arrival (unplanned C-section) to breastfeeding hiccups, you blew up the perfect daily routines I built and nurtured over the past 30 years.
Every once in a while, I sit and reminisce about the old days. I miss my carefree spirit. I miss being able to hop on a plane with your father and travel like there was no tomorrow. I miss my deep work windows where I could get so much done with no interruptions. I miss my old eating habits when I could eat or drink anything I wanted without thinking how it would affect my milk supply. I miss sleeping in late with no one to care for but myself.
You know, Maya, some days you bring the best out of me. I feel like I’m on top of the world because your enthusiasm and curiosity is so contagious! Everyday you surprise me with new skills and expressions. Because of you, I found the courage to negotiate a higher salary so that you can live in a good house, eat the best food, and dress up like a little fashionista. Because of you, I discovered a new “me” who has loads of patience as I try to explain this wonderful world to you. Because of you, I reached out and built friendships with my MBA classmates who also became parents. My whole world became bigger because of you, Maya.
But some days you reveal my darker sides and bring out those ugly demons. I feel anxious about the future. I am obsessed over what you eat. I became a control freak. I continuously intervene whenever others are playing with you. My inner voice tells me that you would benefit from learning different rules in different environments but I can't help myself not to micromanage! It is hard for me to think logically when it comes to you.
Maya, I have so many questions in my head that I can’t yet answer.
How do I keep my career moving forward as a mother while nurturing you?
How do I ensure that you hit all your milestones and become a better version of me?
Will your dad and I remain deeply in love and raise you in one caring family?
I can’t give you all the answers, but what I can give you — is a promise. Maya, I promise to write to you every month sharing my true feelings and lessons learned with you. I promise to share my wins and failures with you. I promise to share my beauty tips and recipes that I learned throughout the years. I promise to share those bits of knowledge so that you can follow along my journey and find answers. Maya, this life is so fragile. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. I might be gone sooner and if I do, I want you to have these letters from your mama who will always be your #1 Fan.
Love always,
Mama