I remember holding Maya and crying uncontrollably. My childbirth teacher had a section on this phenomenon - baby blues which affects around 80% of postpartum mothers due to extreme hormonal fluctuations. I paid no attention to that module. In my mind, I was a strong and healthy woman who had enough stamina and mental strength to endure anything. After all, I worked out every single day during my pregnancy and handled a 14-16 hours shift while working in the oil/gas field as a civil engineer. But I was wrong.
My baby blues were not fading away. It felt as if I only was going downhill. I had so many moments of very sudden and deep sadness. There were just too many changes at once in a short period of time. I had hormone fluctuation, a different routine, sleep deprivation, and a new human who just didn’t understand that I needed a break. Google calendar no longer worked for me. There was this little human being who would decide when I eat, sleep, or use the restroom.
On top of that, my body was aching after an unplanned C-section. Getting up and walking was a challenge for me. I refused to accept a new body that looked like I swallowed a watermelon. What made it all even worse is that I didn’t fall in love with my child immediately. I was hardwired by social media and Hollywood that babies are born cute and smile often. Well, the truth is that newborns look like aliens. Maya looked like an old, grumpy Churchill covered in white pasty liquid. As for the smile, it only comes later once the baby turns two months. I kept waiting to be completely overwhelmed with love and gratefulness for my little baby, yet I was feeling empty and terrified to hold her. Everyone told me that the love I would feel for my child would be nothing else I have experienced before. I also remember all our friends telling us that I would be a great mother.
But no matter how many times I looked at and held Maya, I didn’t feel anything extraordinarily powerful.
Was there something wrong with me? What had I done? Although deep down I felt very blessed to have a baby girl, at that very moment, all I wanted was to run away and go back to my old carefree life.
The truth is that it took me 1.5+ months to get over those sad feelings and finally start enjoying my new status as a mother. Every mother has her own timeline of falling madly in love with her baby and feeling normal again. After all, relationships take time - the mother-and-baby relationship is no different.
On left: Maya, day 3. On right: Maya, 9 months. She grew up to be a beautiful and kind soul.