My baby blues were not fading away. It felt as if I only was going downhill. I had so many moments of very sudden and deep sadness. There were just too many changes at once in a short period of time. I had hormone fluctuation, a different routine, sleep deprivation, and a new human who just didn’t understand that I needed a break. Google calendar no longer worked for me. There was this little human being who would decide when I eat, sleep, or use the restroom.

On top of that, my body was aching after an unplanned C-section. Getting up and walking was a challenge for me. I refused to accept a new body that looked like I swallowed a watermelon. What made it all even worse is that I didn’t fall in love with my child immediately. I was hardwired by social media and Hollywood that babies are born cute and smile often. Well, the truth is that newborns look like aliens. Maya looked like an old, grumpy Churchill covered in white pasty liquid. As for the smile, it only comes later once the baby turns two months. I kept waiting to be completely overwhelmed with love and gratefulness for my little baby, yet I was feeling empty and terrified to hold her. Everyone told me that the love I would feel for my child would be nothing else I have experienced before. I also remember all our friends telling us that I would be a great mother.

But no matter how many times I looked at and held Maya, I didn’t feel anything extraordinarily powerful.

Was there something wrong with me? What had I done? Although deep down I felt very blessed to have a baby girl, at that very moment, all I wanted was to run away and go back to my old carefree life.

 The truth is that it took me 1.5+ months to get over those sad feelings and finally start enjoying my new status as a mother. Every mother has her own timeline of falling madly in love with her baby and feeling normal again. After all, relationships take time - the mother-and-baby relationship is no different. 

On left: Maya, day 3. On right: Maya, 9 months. She grew up to be a beautiful and kind soul.

Breastfeeding has dramatically changed my life. My needs and aspirations have taken a back seat. It pulled me away from friends, school, recruiting, sports, and all the things that I enjoy doing spontaneously with my husband! My wardrobe had to change because of my new “job”. I only shopped and wore clothes that were convenient for breastfeeding or pumping. It also left me in tears as my nipples were cracked and bleeding every time I put Maya to my breast. I remember lactation consultants coming in and showing me how to get a good latch. Later I would get so angry at myself because I could not recreate or remember how they did it. I persevered. While nearly all infants lose weight in their first two weeks, Maya actually gained a pound and continued gaining weight at a normal rate later on. 

I don’t want new mamas to be discouraged by my experience. It is just no one told me that breastfeeding would take so much time, effort, and can be a very painful experience for the first two weeks at least. It is not what I have pictured. I was always seeing photos of glamorous moms with calm newborns attached to their breasts looking so happy and relaxed. I often wondered what was wrong with me and my baby which left me a bit depressed and reduced my milk supply. If you decide to breastfeed your baby, just know that breastfeeding can be a very arduous process that takes time to master. Realistically, a baby will be hooked to your breast all day and night. The good news is that once you nail breastfeeding and mentally accept your “new full-time job,” it would be one of the best experiences of motherhood. Our frequent skin-to-skin contact made us very close and helped me tremendously to reduce the severity of my postpartum depression. 

P.S I wrote this post when Maya was 2 months old. She is now 2 years old and still breastfeeding. I am sharing this because I am proud of myself for learning how to breastfeed and finding the strength to continue for so long. I was defeated so many times. I wanted to quit every day. And it would have been totally fine if I choose not to breastfeed. Please don't kill yourself stressing about the milk supply. Do what you can and enjoy snuggles. 

After 16 hours of labor, I felt defeated and begged for an epidural. The epidural allowed me to get 2 hours of sleep and reach full dilation. My ob-gyn told me that now was the time to start pushing the baby out once the contractions start. But epidural left me numb and significantly decreased the frequency of my contractions. I had to deviate from my birth plan again and agree to get Pitocin to accelerate my contractions. I pushed as hard as I could for two hours but nothing happened.

It was now time for a c-section.

I was shocked. I protested, I wanted a vaginal delivery!

As I was wheeled into the operations room I kept thinking everyone in my family had a vaginal delivery, why can't I do this?! I wanted to keep trying but the time was against me. It would have been more than 12 hours since my water broke which would put a baby at high risk for infection.

I wanted a healthy baby, so I agreed to a C-section. 

I was lying wide awake with no control of my body from the ribs down due to anesthesia. I wanted to move my legs and escape from this incision but couldn't. All I could think of were scenes from the fish market where they gut fish right in front of you. My obgyn made a small cut on my stomach and asked if I felt anything. I shook my head. She proceeded and warned me that there would be a lot of pressure.  I could feel her tug the baby free because baby curled up near my rib cage. Finally, I heard a loud cry, my baby was lifted and taken immediately for her measurements. I couldn't hold her for another 20 minutes as doctors were literally putting my insides back together before stitching me up.

Despite how common C-sections have become, C-sections are rarely talked about or portrayed by Hollywood. I had so many misconceptions about C-sections, primarily viewing it as an “easy way out” and tortured myself postpartum for it. I felt almost betrayed by my body.

I had a perfect pregnancy.

I worked out every day.

I was diligent about taking my prenatal.

I tried to ensure that whatever it is I am eating, be it a meal or snack, its nutritional value outweighed any other desires.

How did this happen to me?

C-­section felt like I had failed and was not up for the task of birthing my child naturally. It took me weeks to realize that becoming a mother is something to celebrate even when it leaves a scar. After all, I fought a battle with life, and I won this time.

I fantasized about having you in my life. I spent the past five years meticulously planning your arrival and consulting with many doctors on how I can raise a happy, successful child. My dream came true on 25th October 2020 — you arrived like a storm. A beautiful storm that shook me to the core. From the instant of your arrival (unplanned C-section) to breastfeeding hiccups, you blew up the perfect daily routines I built and nurtured over the past 30 years. 

Every once in a while, I sit and reminisce about the old days. I miss my carefree spirit. I miss being able to hop on a plane with your father and travel like there was no tomorrow. I miss my deep work windows where I could get so much done with no interruptions. I miss my old eating habits when I could eat or drink anything I wanted without thinking how it would affect my milk supply. I miss sleeping in late with no one to care for but myself. 

You know, Maya, some days you bring the best out of me. I feel like I’m on top of the world because your enthusiasm and curiosity is so contagious! Everyday you surprise me with new skills and expressions. Because of you, I found the courage to negotiate a higher salary so that you can live in a good house, eat the best food, and dress up like a little fashionista. Because of you, I discovered a new “me” who has loads of patience as I try to explain this wonderful world to you. Because of you, I reached out and built friendships with my MBA classmates who also became parents.  My whole world became bigger because of you, Maya. 

But some days you reveal my darker sides and bring out those ugly demons. I feel anxious about the future. I am obsessed over what you eat. I became a control freak. I continuously intervene whenever others are playing with you. My inner voice tells me that you would benefit from learning different rules in different environments but I can't help myself not to micromanage!  It is hard for me to think logically when it comes to you.   

Maya, I have so many questions in my head that I can’t yet answer.

How do I keep my career moving forward as a mother while nurturing you?

How do I ensure that you hit all your milestones and become a better version of me?

Will your dad and I remain deeply in love and raise you in one caring family?

I can’t give you all the answers, but what I can give you — is a promise. Maya, I promise to write to you every month sharing my true feelings and lessons learned with you. I promise to share my wins and failures with you. I promise to share my beauty tips and recipes that I learned throughout the years. I promise to share those bits of knowledge so that you can follow along my journey and find answers. Maya, this life is so fragile. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. I might be gone sooner and if I do, I want you to have these letters from your mama who will always be your #1 Fan.

Love always,

Mama